Chapter one
15 years later
Alex:
“Dude, you need to get laid,” Doug said as he and Alex walked down the hallway of the hospital. The scent of medicine and iodine fills Alex’s nose as he walked.
“I want no attempt in your match making again,” he said as he shook his head. Doug tsked.
“Aw, come on man. You need to live a little,” Doug said as he got in front of him. Alex just ignored him and went on. He, one at a time, visited his patient until it was time to go to home. Doug tried to coax him one last time into coming out with him and the rest of the boys, but failed.
Alex clocked out and went to the parking lot. He got into a sleek, black jaguar and drove home. His home was a condo in the high-rise area of the city. He parked in the garage and locked his car. He took the elevator to the third floor. He stuck his key into the lock and turned it to unlock the door.
He went inside and re-locked the door. He took off his coat and hung it on the rack that rest close to the door. He sat his bag down too in the same general area. There was a steady beeping echo through out the room. He looked over at the answering machine and saw there was a message. He sighed and ran a hand over his shaggy blond hair.
He walked over to the couch and sat down. He hit a button on the machine to play the message.
“Hey Alex. This is Rose. I want to let you know that I had a great time last week and I want to know if you want to go out again. Give me a call soon,” the machine said before beeping and ending the message.
Alex shook his head in disgust. I can’t believe I gave her my phone number, he thought. He had tried to get out with other girls, but he felt like he was betraying his sister. His hand went to the necklace that was still around his neck. He rubbed it as he leaned back into the couch and close his eyes.
Rachel, where are you? I miss you, he thought as he pictured a 15-year-old girl with dirty blond hair.
Rachel:
Up in the mountains, there was a beautiful log cabin. The cabin was two story and was made out of a beautiful cherry wood. Inside, it had high ceilings and a wood floor. Standing in one of the many tall windows, there was a girl with dirty blond hair and green eyes. Her eyes scan the lights of the city. Brother, she thought.
“Hey Rachel, don’t forget to cook dinner for your guest tonight,” A girl at the bar said.
“I know,” she said as she turned around and walked back to the bar. She walked behind the bar into the kitchen. She cooks dinner for her guests and then served in the dining room. The guests ate their dinner and left. Rachel picked up their dirty dishes and put them in the sink to soak. Rachel took a seat at the bar. The girl from before sat down next to her.
“This was a great idea,” The girl said.
Rachel shrugged. “You think so, Sophia?”
“Yeah,” She said, “oh, I have a note for you from the leader.” She took a slip of paper from her pocket and slid it forward. Rachel took the note and opened it.
I know you are in Heat. Now is the time to make you mine and me yours. You know where to meet next full moon
Gabriel
Rachel crunched the note in her hand. Damn him, why won’t he give up after I told him I’m not interested?, She thought. Sophia looked at her expression and knew.
“He wants you again,” Sophia said.
Rachel nodded, “but he won’t have me.” Only my brother can.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Ok, I stink at nit-picking so I am just going to give a plain ol' boring review.
Well the writing wasnt half bad, I could tell from little bits in the story that you really have potential. But every thing seemed like a minimal detail play by play of what was going on. First he was in the hospital visiting a patient and then he was at home and it was really fast moving and I had to go back at times and re-read things just to make sence of it. You could add a bit of detail as you go too.
But overall your writing is quite good and with a bit longer peice with more detail and description (showing us not telling) then it could be really good. Keep writing!
Hey, Bri! I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to get to this. I’ve been totally overwhelmed with school this past few weeks so I apologize.
I’m guessing that Alex works at the hospital, right? If not, I’m super confused because I’m not really sure what you mean by this. Expand more.
This whole paragraph was a whole lot of telling. Really try to work on adding description and breaking up your telling with showing, you know?
“scanned” instead of “scan” here.
~ ~ ~ ~
Good chapter. I liked how you slipped in the part about her being a werewolf. Very cool =]
But I think that we still don’t understand how they can be completely okay with liking each other, as siblings. Don’t they know that’s wrong and stuff? Really try to get inside their heads and explain it all so the reader doesn’t get confused.
Otherwise, keep me posted with further installments
Hmm, I like it, but at the same time it just kind of whizzes by. It's kind of hard to really get into the story.
Night, here as requested!
It's a funny first line... it your characters are teenagers. Make sure the reader is aware that you characters have grown up a bit. Or have him switch the words so they are less horny frat boy. ^_^
The word attempt doesn't make sense here.
You could say:
"I want no part in your attempted math making,"
I know what you meant by it, but tsked really isn't a word. Also, When Doug tsks, it should go into a new paragraph.
If he is visiting them one at a time, patient should be plural. Patients.
Whoops. Scan is in the present tense- change it to scanned.
Same issue you had in the prologue: Would they really refer to each other as "brother" or "sister"? Just use names.
-Comma after hey
-de-capitalize a
De-capitalize the.
De-capitalize she.
After a dialogue, the "she said" part is still technically part of the last sentence. Only capitalize if it is a proper name.
Night, that is hysterical! I was literally laughing out loud.
Gabriel is actually a character in the book Blood and Chocolate. The only thing is, Gabriel is a werewolf. Some readers night be confused by the connection- they might take the note literally.
That's it for grammatical nit-picks.
Overall
Hmmm. Not your best. It was good, but you never really got us invested into your characters.
What was Alex thinking when Doug nagged him? What did he think when he heard the phone message?
What did Rachel feel when she saw the note? Did she think it was funny? Pathetic?
Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Hey there Night!
I liked this and you write well, but I don't think this was executed to it's full extent. First off, everything just whirred by. Everyone likes to drive fast and feel the wind on their faces, but sometimes it is good to stop and smell the roses. I think I would have gotten into this more if there was a little more description. Right now your two characters seem like robots just walking around without a person but they are not robots, they are human beings and though they are not real people, treat them as if they were.
Also, I love the idea that you have but you don't want this bordering on the edge of cliche. There are many novels like this and from this first chapter, if I were not me and I picked this up and read it, I would immediately put it down. Why? Well because for that reason, it's like every other novel and I don't see why I should care about your characters because I don't know them at all. Sorry if I'm being too harsh but I want you to be able to continue this novel and I want to see more of these characters.
Like someone said to me, tell the story, or don't tell it at all. You are the writer and only you can bring these characters to life, so give them oxygen and let them breathe.
Please PM me if you make any changes and when you post more.
Good luck,
~Angel